A Survivor's Story
I have been conceived without love. My mother was forced to have intercourse. My mother wanted to get a divorce from my biological producer when she found out that she was pregnant with me which sadly made her stay with him for another 27 months. I was her fourth and last child. I only found out a few years ago, by my oldest half-brother, that my biological producer physically abused me as a few months old baby to hurt my mother. My then 13 year old brother was witness to this incident. He was so distressed by listening to my screams and my mother's that he wished to have had the physical strength to kill him.
I will probably never know what else my biological producer (b.p.) did to me because my brother spent most of his time by his grandparents. My b.p. left our home for good when I was 18 months old. He was a violent and sadistic man. He traumatised the whole family. I can't go into any details because this story would otherwise turn into a book. I witnessed my mother being harassed and pursued by a man. My mother bought herself a gas pistol and shot the man in his face when he once again harassed her. I was playing beside her and must have been 3 years old. It was a very frightening situation.
I witnessed more violent scary situations in this place and was happy when we moved away from there into a brand new house which my grandmother owned. I was 5 years old when we moved away but stayed in the same town. As a 9 year old girl I was sexually abused by the husband of my mother's cousin. This happened while my mother sat in the next room talking with his wife. They were completely engrossed in their conversation. I had no sexual awareness and was completely innocent. This one incident took the rest of my childhood away and changed me forever.
He enticed me to sit on his lap where he then abused me. I trusted him blindly like a little puppy who was yearning for affection. He made me trust him with his smile and his kind loving words. I was an extrovert child but he took away my speech for the time he abused me. I froze, turned mute and became paralyzed. I couldn't move, my mind became muddled and empty while I experienced intense sexual arousal but then of course I didn't know what this feeling was.
He ended my childhood with this experience. He altered me and put me on a self destructive path. I don't know when it exactly started but to experience this intense sexual feeling again, I allowed many boys to invade me, touch me in my early teenage years or even as a 12 year old. There is much I can't remember anymore. When I finally reached my climax I would break down and sob my heart out which left the boy at the time completely bewildered. I felt so dirty and filthy. So more boys I allowed to touch me so dirtier I became and the sobbing turned into utter despair. I started to smoke secretly as a 13 year old girl. I had no boundaries anymore to protect myself with. They were trampled upon from a very young age and completely removed by the paedophile. He abused many girls as I found out in my late twenties. I buried this abuse deep down in my soul. But the effect of the different kind of abuse had begun to manifest themselves in my behaviour.
My mother married again when I was 11 years old. I loved him and called him daddy. The marriage lasted only two years but there was no violence. BUT he abandoned me. He left without an explanation. When he came for the last time to fetch his clothes I hang onto his right leg and begged him not to leave us. I cried and cried. He shook me off and left. I was 13 years old then. In the same year my beloved grandmother died of cancer. After my grandmother's death I often visited my granddad to comfort him with my presence. He bought cigarettes for me and in my heart I felt that this was not the right thing for a granddad to do but nevertheless I was glad to be able to smoke.
I didn't realise that he was conditioning me to be sexually molested by him. When he tried to come onto me I just cried out to him: "GRANDDAD!" with such distress in my voice that it stopped him in his track. I was heartbroken and so distressed by this incident that from that day on I never visited him again. I lost within one year three people I had loved.
Only one year after my stepfather left, my mother remarried again. This choice of hers spiralled my life into darkness. Only miracles saved my life in the following years. My mother married an violent alcoholic. To be continued....
It is nearly 5 am and I need to get ready for bed. Since 3 years I don't sleep in the night. I have buried so much pain to the extent of having become ill. I have to deal now with my past and present pain. This is for me now make or break time because I have become so tired of carrying so much pain. I don't want to be just a survivor anymore.
With much Love, L.S. xx
PLEASE NOTE: NAPAC makes every effort to remove all identifying information. Names of perpetrators are only used where there has been a conviction in a court of law. NAPAC is not responsible for the accuracy of the stories.