Survivors Poetry

Cataclysm

My family was dysfunctional
My father would have protected me had he known
He didn’t know because our family was dysfunctional
Because our mother died.

Our Stepmother encouraged it because it suited her
Because it made us an imitation family
Dad went along with it because it hid his pain
And we all hid our losses and our pains.

If Dad were here now he would hug me and say he was sorry
Dad would not love me any less
Dad would feel great pain, which is why I never told him
And it’s all because our Mother died.

Our stepmother pretended we were one
And my little sister never knew the truth
But my stepmother used it all against me
Not only to herself, my stepmother lied.

Once she walked in on my stepbrother and I
How could she not have seen what her eyes must have seen?
She did what I should have done
She put her own life first.

Now everyone knows the truth, except Dad of course
You’d think they would be please to stop the awful lies
But truth is painful and they block it out their minds
Some choose to continue their old imitation lives.

But I can not return to the land of silence
Now that I have found freedom far away from lies
But why can’t they accept me
Oh, if only our Mother hadn’t died.

New Dawn

It’s a new dawn outside
The air is crisp and fresh
And all is very still and calm
Like the quiet before the storm
The awakening is about to commence.

The anticipation is there
The new day is inevitable
It can’t be avoided
Yet it’s cosy and warm
Under the protective familiar duvet.

Anything could happen
Unforeseen events always do
They are not always bad
But the warm cosy duvet
Is familiar and predictable.

The mist is clearing
The black sky is turning purple
And the birds have started singing.
Were they there before?
Or could I just not see them?

Dawn is such a lonely time
No one is ever about
You are the only one in the world
Surrounded only by the smell of damp
That is about to dry up with the sun.

Throw off that familiar duvet
Jump up at the sun
Catch that last star before it fades
For who knows what’s going to happen
For it’s only just begun.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love…..what is it?
Surely it does exist
It must be a contradiction
Of the definition of what love is.

I must have savoured the flavour once
Although I don’t remember
I thought she would always be there
And then one day she died.

My Mother died when I was four
Why had she gone away?
Was it because she didn’t love me?
Or had I misbehaved?

Then someone came to take care of us
She arrived the day I was five
I didn’t care what she did
I just wanted her to stay.

Then her son sexually abused me
“Oh hush sister, you must obey
Silence or there’ll be a fuss”
Is this the price I have to pay?

Heads I have a family
But I’m all alone inside
Tails I tell and all is lost
The “family” would never survive.

Daddy loved me
But he didn’t really know me
Even my new Mummy grew to love me
But neither had any idea.

For nine years Roy abused me
From age 7 until I reached 16,
When I left home for freedom
So they could all live in peace.

Peace….. That’s another word
That I’m not sure I understand.
It sounds very attractive
Although not readily at hand.

But most of all it’s love I want
The unconditional kind.
I think it lives in fairy tales
And only in my mind.

How can it possibly exist
When everything has a price?
But I continue to live in hope
That one day…. It will be mine.

Poems by Carole Jackson