Survivors Poetry

The Mask of a Victim
(March 31st 2009)

When I smile, it hides a multitude of fears.
When I smile, it hides an ocean of tears.
When I smile, it hides the hurt inside.
When I smile it hides the guilt inside.
This smile is my disguise.

When I laugh, it hides my cries for the lies They had to tell
When I laugh, it hides my cries for the help that never came
When I laugh, it hides my cries for release from this pain
When I laugh, it hides my cries for forgiveness.
This laugh is my disguise.

When I scream out, I’m wishing this would stop.
When I scream out, I’m wishing someone will help
When I scream out, I’m wishing the pain away.
When I scream out, I’m wishing
this had not happened to me.

When I cry, to the tears, there is no end.
Just inside, I am dying,
My body is weakening,
From the years of abuse
You all have given me

I thank you all for the torment and pain,
I thank you all for my shame,
I thank you all for the tears that fall like the rain,
I thank you all for my memories that burn in my brain.

I thank you all for the illnesses all this has brought.
Yet, here am I…. sat in silence
Yet, here am I….. sat alone
Yet, here am I….. unable now to roam.
Yet, here am I…. hiding away from the world.
Yet, here am I…. ALIVE.

And here am I, sending you prayers of forgiveness?
I was there.  I alone are the guilty?
I was there.  I alone are the one you could not resist?
I was there.  I alone are the one who asked to be punched and kicked?
I was there.  I alone are the one who asked to be knocked down?
I was there.  I alone are the one to blame for my own victimization?
I was there.  It happened to me.
No one else can be blamed for putting me there at all of those times.

They say “Its not our crime”.
They say “Its your fault”.
They say “you were there for me to abuse”.
They say “Its you who are in the wrong”
They say “Its you who must be used”.
They say “You have no rights”.
They say “You are not human”.
They say “I am sorry”.

Disfigured am I inside
The scars I must abide.
My soul still cries out
My heart is no more…. Deceased, dead.

The scars they don’t show
The tears they still flow
The nightmares I must still endure.

When I smile, it hides a multitude of fears
When I smile, it hides an ocean of tears.
When I smile, it hides the hurt inside.
When I smile it hides the guilt inside.
This smile is my disguise.

Poem by Croft Angel England