Survivors Poetry

Confessions
(15/04/09)

I feel like my heart is breaking today,
All the victories I’ve achieved have faded away.
I am left with an emptiness that is decaying my soul:
I feel like I could never be whole.

I have so many things I should be grateful for:
Yet all I feel is despair, stupid and insecure.
I want, so much, just to be at peace,
These words in my mind are my only release.

I struggle with happiness, as it never seems real:
I consider myself unworthy to feel as I feel.
I should be stronger, not experience this gloom:
Yet all I wish for is an enclosed tomb.

The more I see of this world, the less I want to live:
I don’t know how much longer I can continue to give.
So much was taken; it’s surreal to have a choice,
I possess such emotion, but I have no voice.

I am crying inside every day:
This waterfall inside corroding love away.
My world is not how I want it to be:
As much as I search for light, darkness is all I see.

My eyes are open, and my mind is free:
Yet still I cannot be what I want to be.
Torn between success and utter misery:
If only I could end this battle within me.

I am surrounded by those who appear to care,
I would rather be here than anywhere.
Yet my body is restless, there is no peace,
Nothing changes, it will never cease.

Ignorance tears at my fragile mind,
The more I seek, the less I find.
I want to feel worthy to breathe again.
To hold my head high, to express, not refrain.

Everything I ever wanted to be is stuck somewhere in history:
No matter what I do, I can never be free.
This prison is my home; it is all I own,
Inside these invisible walls I have grown.

I have shed my childhood, like changing my skin:
I am now an adult, and I don’t know where to begin.
How can I explain how this affects my life:
How I long for the touch of a deadly knife.

Death is so alluring, no more conscious despair,
But it is a one way street, there’s no coming back from there.
Having always been indecisive, the choice remains clear:
How tempting it is to exist without fear.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful that I am alive,
Nor that I have the ability to survive,
Yet still there is a part of me that would gladly admit defeat:
That would gratefully lie at the reapers feet.

I used to think daily of ways to die,
I used to dream of my spirit soaring through the sky.
Now it’s less often, but the thought remains,
I feel as though my soul is in chains.

I wish there was someone who could understand my grief,
Who would realise, as I do, that time is a thief.
Days and years have passed by my eyes,
The fact I wasn’t paying attention, is not really a surprise.

I want to be old, wrinkly and grey:
Then my body would match how I’ve felt since that day.
A singular day that destroyed my purity:
That left me destined with perpetuity.

I cannot begin to explain how my consciousness lives on,
After all of the internal damage that was done.
I only know that my sentence isn’t over yet:
I would say that it would never be, if I had to bet.

Am I being too dramatic? It can’t really be that bad….
If you only knew of the innocence that I once had…..
Now nothing but a memory, taunting me with hope:
After twenty four years, it seems impossible to cope.

There are so many out there who have suffered more than I,
Part of my sadness, it is for them that I cry.
My tears are not for attention, they are barely seen,
They are for the experiences that should not have been.

I yearn for understanding, of all that I am,
For where this incongruity began.
Day after day I am so tempted to leave,
To disappear into the wilderness and finally breathe.

Yet then I realise how selfish it would be,
To all of the people who care about me.
If I could find a way to help them understand,
This nightmare that destiny had planned,
Maybe then I could find solace in the touch of a hand……

Synthesis
(21/01/09)

These memories have been travelling around my mind,
Searching for a format that’s impossible to find:
I wish I could be perfect, and shower you with bliss,
But I was never perfect, so instead I offer this:
My love for you is growing, every second that I live,
This is the only genuine gift I feel able to give.

I remember each moment that we have shared,
For this depth of emotion, I was never prepared.
The way you make me feel when you look into my eyes:
How we share our dreams, and dispel our cries.
I love the way you try so hard,
To pretend my sarcasm has caught you off guard.
I love the times we spend solely together:
Those are the moments I will treasure forever.

I have never felt so much safety with one man:
From the moment I was conscious, this awakening began.
You take me to heights I could never explain:
You cause me the most irrational pain.
I try to hold on, and pretend I feel secure:
Yet I’m immersed in a confusion I have never felt before.

I love the twinkle in your eyes when we share a private joke:
I love the hours of silence, when neither of us spoke.
Your hand in mine, as we drift off to sleep:
The promise of the secret we aren’t aware that we keep.
Every time we are apart, I am convinced you are a dream:
A hallucination never heard of, or seen.
Yet somehow you return, and we are together once more:
Two lonely souls on a non existent shore.
I cannot convey to you what you have done to me:
This connection with you seems a part of destiny.

This is not a love poem, it is a poem created by love,
For all of the believers in heaven above.
My eyes are now open, and finally I see:
All that I have gained, you have given to me.
This may not be perfection, but the intention is pure:
For the loneliness inside me, your existence is the cure.

My Daily Facade
(05/12/06)

Like tiny droplets of rain, despair seeps into me,
Drowning me with thoughts of insecurity.
I am not good enough to belong on this earth,
My life has been a mistake since my birth.
All of these thoughts invade me constantly:
Telling me I cannot be who I want to be.

I am soiled by my past, it races through my veins:
Only a semblance of humanity remains.
I should end it all; it is the only way for it to cease:
The only chance I have of experiencing peace.
To be free of these thoughts would be no less than bliss,
But I am not sure if I have the courage for this.

Everyday I battle to keep a grip on sanity:
To rebuild all the emotions I’ve had stolen from me.
Sometimes I wonder if it is worth the fight:
So appealing is the eternal night.
To never again wake to a feeling of dread:
To not be afraid to sleep alone in my bed.

Futile wishes that will never materialise,
All I have for comfort is my silent cries.
What has been taken from me can never be returned,
I cannot erase the lessons I have learned.
I dream of seeing a sunset one day,
And feeling worthy to see it, not backing away.

I feel something inside me keeping me alive:
Screaming at me that I must survive.
This voice, or my thoughts, one must succeed,
Oblivion or insanity, which do I most need?
Regardless of how I want to live:
One or the other must one day give.

I have no choice but to stumble along this path,
Taking every chance I have to laugh.
I may live for a week, or a hundred years,
But if you look closely behind my smile:
You’ll see the hidden tears.
I must allow my thoughts and emotions to run wild,
In the memory of my only forgotten child.

The Fate of Maria                                                                                                               (14/03/07)

I am completely alone within the desert of my dreams:
Searching blindly for what living means.
Every grain of sand falls through my fingers, and away:
Leaving me stranded on this desolate day.
I see faces in the skies, lovers in my path:
Oceans of tears, and a hidden laugh.
I begin to run, as fast as I can:
I have seen the shadow of the wicked man.
My heart is pounding as I try to get away:
Trying desperately not to hear the words he has to say.

At once I’m on a beach, water running through my toes:
No sign anywhere of my terrible foes.
I relax for a moment, and feel the sun upon my face,
Then I remember that nothing is real in this place.
I open my eyes to find I’m sitting in a room,
The atmosphere feels like a hidden tomb.
Then I am surrounded by all these people who “care”:
All apparent physically, but emotionally, nowhere.
I close my eyes again, and pray to be free,
These people only aggravate the loneliness in me.

I open my eyes and I am in my favourite place:
Where there is no fear that I cannot face.
I am holding the hands of courage and hope:
A million miles from a hangman’s rope.
I look up to the skies, and I beckon my home:
I want to be free of this skin I have grown.
I want to return to the stardust from where I came,
Where love is seen and known, it does not need a name.
I have memories of this sacred life I knew:
Delving into my subconscious is all I need to do.

Then my eyes are awakened by the rising of the sun:
I wonder what all this dreaming has done.
I wake with a feeling of sadness within:
As if reality can’t remember where to begin.
I rise, and I continue, I laugh and I cry:
I am alive, I am immortal, I live, but cannot die.
I roam this dimension searching for some peace:
For the battle of the ages inside me to cease.
Knowing all the time that this can never be:
Peace was never a
Page
In my
Destiny.

Silence

A cry for help, a lonely heart,
A tortured Mind, a body torn apart.
Silent screams in an unheard place,
The scars and burns, on an unloved face,
No one hears the desperate cries,
No one sees the bloodied eyes:
Only a statistic: just a number, not a name:
In a silent world, that's increasingly insane,
Falls a single tear, full of sorrow,
And a silent dream of a happy tomorrow

The Curse
(12/07/04)

Never walking the path without feeling insecure,
Making mistakes every day, never being sure.
Always feeling we aren't worthy to breathe this air,
Of every shadow, every stranger, we must beware.
The prison we are in cannot be seen,
No words can explain the places we've been.
Only nightmares and memories of the monsters we met,
Decades have passed, but it is not over yet.

All of our lives we encounter the effects of this,
Seeing every detail, no point can be missed.
Replayed in the mind like a recording on a tape:
Only for our eyes to see, we cannot escape.
The people we meet try to understand,
It is not their fault they cannot comprehend.
How, how do we go on every day?
These are words every survivor longs to say.

Every moment, every new face we see,
Reminds us of the forbidden intimacy.
How we felt so ashamed, but couldn't understand why:
How there were moments, and days, when we wanted to die.
How we were told we were not to blame:
But does it really matter: life will never be the same.
Words can express almost anything we feel,
But they cannot replace the nightmares that are real.

This is the curse, what every child goes through,
With any type of abuse, no emotion is ever new.
We go through feelings we were too young to understand:
Forced into this no mans land.
Where darkness is forever, and love is a fable:
Some of us escape, but some are not able.
This is the curse that they place in our mind:
Leaving serenity such a hard thing to find.

They say they are punished, given nine months behind bars:
That is their sentence, but what about ours?
Every day, from that day to death:
We have to live with that experience with every breath.
I am not looking for sympathy, I am not in despair:
I just want somebody to stand up and care.
Is it too much to ask, to feel some inner peace?
It must be, so this will be my release.

The Cure
(12/07/04)

Watching your face as I wake to the sun,
I feel like life has just begun.
I try to move softly, so you will not wake,
Looking into your eyes is almost more than I can take.
Every day you give to me something new,
Behind my eyes, all I see is you.
This is a new lifetime, I am born again:
You comfort me like summer rain.

I am not yet able to share all I feel,
I'm still not sure if you are real.
I had dreamed of someone, for many years,
Who would help me to overcome my fears,
Now here you are, and I struggle to speak,
I am not proud that my words seem so weak.
Waves of emotion wash over me:
In my sea of dreams: you are all I see.

When we free our emotions, we become who we are,
But I never thought that I could come this far.
It's the little things, a look, a touch:
It scares me that I could feel so much.
I want to tell you how I feel inside,
But I have always had so much to hide.
So much shame, responsibility, despair,
I never thought I'd find anyone who would really care.

Yet here you are, from another world, it seems:
Someone I created from within my dreams.
Love is too little to explain what you mean to me:
This emotion reinvents the world that I see.
Nothing I have felt has ever matched this:
This is my nirvana, my uncompromising bliss.
If I feel the same way for you as long as I live,
I will be grateful for all you have taught me to give.

One day I will find the words to explain my heart:
Until that day arrives, I just pray we never part.
I hope you never doubt the emotions you have freed:
Whatever happens now, I know we can succeed.
Love is the answer to the heartache of this earth:
You were the seed: together we're the birth.

Poems by Michelle P.