Survivors' Story

For so long I shut it away in the dark recesses of my mind only for it now at the age of 60 to come flashing back like a long forgotten nightmare.  I was only 5 or 6 when we moved into a house on a brand new estate.  Beyond the row of 4 houses was a building site and although we kids had been told to stay away we often went near to talk to the men working there. There was a man who was a neighbour of ours who was a watchman on the site, who always used to make us laugh. We felt safe with him as we knew him and his family. However one day he invited us into his hut on the site, the other 3 children heard their mother calling them and run off home.  I was alone in the shed with this man, he picked me up and sat me on the table, he exposed himself and then made me touch him. I was really frightened but he said it would be ok, I started crying and he told me I could go but not to say anything to anyone as they would think I was a bad girl and send for the police.  I ran home and straight up to my room. I never told a soul even though this man continued living opposite us until he died a few years ago.

I was then abused again when I was 11 by a 15 year old boy on the children’s ward of a burns unit (I had been badly burnt when my nightdress caught fire when I was 9 years old and in hospital for more skin grafts) at the time I  had no idea what he was trying to do and its was years later when I realised he had sexually abused me by touching me, rubbing himself against me and he had tried to rape me but was disturbed by a member of staff.

For a long time I thought it was my fault and I kept asking myself how could I have let it happen, I started getting flashbacks and I hated anyone talking about sex or telling smutty jokes. It even made me push my husband away if he wanted a cuddle. It got to the point when I knew ii had to tell someone or I would go insane.  I eventually told my oldest daughter who helped me understand that I wasn’t the one at fault and that I was only a child and wouldn’t have understood what was happening.  She persuaded me to tell my husband and eventually I got the courage to speak to him, he was so loving and caring I only wish I had told him before. He told me that what happened all those years ago was no fault of mine, that these men (both are now deceased) were evil and he was going to make sure no one ever hurt me like that again.

For several years when my children were young I spent time in and out of psychiatric hospitals suffering from depression which left me with very low self esteem. I had also tried to commit suicide several times.  It took me 9 years to get my life back and it is only now I realise how much suffering the abuse had caused not only me but my unbeknown to them my family to.

Thankfully with the love of my family I am now more confident in myself and now try to enjoy life to the full. I have two daughters and four beautiful grandchildren who make my life complete.

It’s taken over 50 odd years to put the abuse behind me but never will I let it affect my life again.  Please if anyone reading this has suffered abuse find someone you trust and talk to them about it and hopefully it may lead the way for you to live a happier and more peaceful life. You are not alone believe me.

A.A.