Survivors' Story

I was physically abused by my father from before I can really remember. I was raised in an atmosphere of fear and an overwhelming desire to please him and to keep the peace. I suppose he had me 'groomed' perfectly for the sexual abuse that was to come from the age of 9. My step-mother was physically threatened and attacked by him, and I have since learned that, because she felt he had little control over what he did with 'his' children, she never intervened. I have only just started to come to terms with the fact of my acquiescence, and to accept that it's natural for a little girl to want to be treasured by her father, especially when he was the primary care giver.

At age 14 I stood up for myself and confided in a teacher. I learned that I am strong and capable of standing up against injustice. I moved away from my family, lived by myself, got myself through college and university and built an impressive career history for myself. I also taught myself, through experience, how a vulnerable young woman is easily taken advantage of and can now defend myself against the presumptions of thoughtless, selfish men. I am however suffering from severe physical health problems and believe this is as a result of post traumatic stress or betrayal trauma.

What I do find hard is reconciling my abilities to defend myself with the fact that there are many people who do not need to be pushed away. Emotionally, I sense his betrayal everywhere - in a friend's carelessly broken promise, or an acquaintance's joking put-down, for example. I am so sensitive to criticism and will hide away anxiously gnawing over what I've done wrong or why they are so thoughtless, getting angry and tearful alternatively. At these times I break down, craving the closeness of my mum, brothers or partner, but when I do turn to them I find that, while they obviously care, they are too busy with their own lives to care for me as much as I think I need them to.

It is only after hours of analysis and playing over conversations that I reach a point of surrender - I am, as I always have been, alone and I alone can change my life. I feel a certain solace in this, because while I crave closeness and to be utterly dependent on someone just for a moment, I remember that no-one has given me that in my entire life. The only time of real dependence - in my early years - I was beaten or molested. Used and then discarded. It was only when I took matters into my own hands that things began to change for the better.

Even the so called 'justice' system betrayed me - they sided with him in effect. It was his word against mine and my mum was to scared/helpless/weak to defend me. Social services did move me out and put me under a CPO but then just left me hanging in the wind, isolated with an unsuitable foster family, before I ran away to live alone and find unsuitable friends.

I have made so much happen in my life and I am truly grateful for the beautiful events and people that now surround me, but I am still haunted by the emotional rift in my soul. I knew it would be a long journey, but at 30 years old I still feel lost and humiliated. The actual events of the abuse have been hashed over so many times that I don't really need to think about them any more. It is the underlying messages of those events which keep tripping me up. Some examples of the harmful beliefs I hold are;

• putting my emotional and physical needs after others' and not imposing myself on people
• thinking those who you get close to will discard you when they're done
• thinking I'm only really worth something through my actions not from just being me
• thinking I only achieve a sense of worth through another person