Survivors' Story

My story begins as a regular child looking forward to what life has in store for me. I was bought up to respect my culture and my traditional family values. My parents were very over protective, something that they thought was best for me as their child. My family was made up of a unit with each member holding a specific role and position. I was taught to be polite, shy, humble and deferential.

My priority was my family harmony; this was what my perpetrator used against me to satisfy his own needs. I was never taught about “sexuality and sex” by my parents, it was a silent subject. When most girls and boys at school knew about sex I didn’t and this in turn helped my perpetrator to abuse me.

At the vulnerable age of fifteen I probably had the mental age of an adult but only had life experiences of a child. I lived with my parents and my sister who is 3 years elder to me. That was it, a small quiet family. My parents had minor marriage problems; this led me to believing I had to try anything to keep us together as a family.

In August 1995 my cousin (dad’s sister) arrived from India to settle down in UK. He was 10 years elder to me. I respected him like my brother, I cared for him and I trusted him (my mistake). This was the same cousin that betrayed my trust when I was 15 years; this was the beginning of being sexually abused. It started as a small kiss on the cheek leading to more intense sexual gestures. I was so innocent, naive and vulnerable and he took advantage of this. In total he lived with us for 2 years and used as many opportunities as he could find to sexually abuse me. In April 1996 he married a girl from UK, at this point I presumed he would stop abusing me because he was married but it didn’t end. In middle of the year 1997 he moved out with his wife but he would still visit.

Most people would ask themselves why did I not stop him though it wasn’t that simple. I was aware this was strange behaviour as he would push me away from himself as he heard anyone approaching us, but in an odd way he made me feel what he was doing was acceptable. He would always catch me on my own and promised to keep my family united. I was under immense pressure; I felt it was my responsibility to keep my family united.

At the time of the abuse I was helpless and had no control. My mind was always detached from sexual actions my cousin was doing to me; I kept thinking that it was not happening, a sort of denial. This was my way of dealing with it. I was reluctant to mention anything in case I caused tension within the family. Every action of abuse I was scared to stop him from his actions. I was too scared to say anything, I use to think will anyone believe me, I guess I never gave it a chance.

Several years after the abuse whilst at university I experienced a sexual assault the consequence of this was all the memories I kept hidden came back to the surface. I started self harming and for the first time I told someone I had been abused. I kept it well hidden during my university years. I returned home after completing my degree.

In August 2002 I realised I could not hide it no longer, I stopped eating became severely depressed and started self harming again. I was hospitalised as my weight dropped to severely low levels. I started controlling my food as during the abuse I had no control. As from 2002 till now I have experienced nothing but emotional and physical pain. I have been hospitalised several times over the last 6 years.

I became from size to size 16 literally overnight due to so much medication. People had made assumptions I was pregnant. My reputation was destroyed because of something that my cousin had done to me and of which I had no control over. Now I want the truth out that whilst rumours were spreading I was in a psychiatric ward suffering the consequences of being sexually abused.

The experience has prevented me becoming the women I dreamt I would one day become, only to live a happy settled life after my degree and to settle down with my own family. Robbing me of my identity and the constant need to self harm has now made me not know who I really am and what my future holds for me. My confidence in building new relationships, the ability to trust others and to walk outside with confidence and without fear has all disappeared. I can’t sleep peacefully nor can I live in peace. I don’t accept myself and can’t erase the pain I have encountered from the abuse. Many consequences have arisen and I have suffered over the past 6 years as a result of being sexually abused. I used to control my food intake and still do sometimes as I lost control of things that were happening to me when I was a teenager. This led to anorexia nervosa then bulimia. I self harm and have done since I was 18 years old, this has been in the form of cutting myself with knifes and razors, burning myself, taking impulsive overdoses, drinking chemicals. I have tried to hang myself but didn’t succeed. I constantly live with a mixture of negative thoughts and feelings, not knowing what is right and what is wrong. I have developed Treatment resistant depression and borderline personality disorder and now my doctor says I am suffering from a form of post traumatic stress disorder. I have had numerous electroconvulsive therapies (electric shocks) on three separate occasions within the last 5 years. I have taken as many as 20 tablets a day for several years and then you have to deal with the side effects you get from medication. I have been an inpatient on the psychiatric ward at Fairfield hospital several times and at one time for several years. I have hidden from the world, from family and friends and now have lost all confidence to go out there and face everyone. I have had to listen to so many stories people had said about me because nobody knew I was in hospital and why I was in hospital. Now it’s time for people to hear the truth. I have not been in my own old bedroom since I left for university in 1998 because of bad memories and fear. I also prevent going to my home because I can visualize bad events that happened in the house several years ago. My parents have now considered moving house so I am able to visit them without memories and fear. On several occasions I have reached such low mood that I have attempted suicide. I sometimes prefer not to live rather than live. I am suffering till this day. One thing I am certain of is that I will do what’s in my power to prevent anyone suffering and experiencing the events that I have experienced, especially the children of the person who did this to me. Many years of my life have been destroyed and he will not do it again. Childhood is meant to be filled with happy events not sad disturbing traumatic events. He should not strike again.

When I realised that my cousin had sexually abused me I tried to just live with being sexually abuse but I then found out another cousin in my family had also been sexually abused by him. Knowing this I realised it wasn’t my fault and if he had the ability to abuse us he would carry this behaviour on. My first priority was to protect anyone else suffering abuse from him. He has three small children and if he carry’s no guilt or shame abusing me he wouldn’t carry any shame doing it to them.

Knowing this I contacted the Samaritans, they then gave me a contact number which belonged to the police. After speaking to them a police lady arrived who deals with this sort of crime.

I then built the courage to file a case against him to gain justice for my pain. My parent’s eventually supported me as they realised what damage the abuser had done to me, they realised what they nearly lost me on several occasions due to suicide attempts.

I wanted to gain justice and put this whole thing behind me, a sort of closure. He has now been charged on 4 accounts of indecent assault over a 2 year period. He was imprisoned for 14 months. This is the beginning of the hurdle but I keep reminding myself why I needed to get rid of the abusers to protect others. My biggest fear is retaliation from the perpetrator.

I am able to talk about it by telling it like it is a story and trying to detach myself so I feel no emotions as I am telling what happened. I try to put barrier between getting to know people, never trust someone.

Geeta Sarin

To read a poem by Geeta click here.