Survivors' Story

Reading the stories on this website has moved me beyond believe and made me feel that what I might say might be of interest/help to others. I hope it is and I just want to say to all those who have spoken out - you are very brave and should stand tall and proud and for all those who haven't, hold yourself dear because you are also incredibly brave because you survived...

I was in my mid thirties before I started to remember what happened to me as a child; the physical and sadistic sexual abuse from my father who also tried to groom my brother to participate. I believe I was a very young toddler when it first started and it went on through my teenage years. At the time of remembering I was married with two children 18months and 4yrs, a husband who had lost his mind who was under a local mental health team and I was summoned as a witness to a child abuse hearing - these were the triggers for me. I remember ringing my husband's clinical psychologist and struggling to tell him that I was ringing about myself because I could hardly speak and just felt I was falling into nothing. I spent a whole morning in his office, I believe, but I don't really remember except that at one point he rushed for a glass of water for me but then I couldn't pick it up!

I had a hard time believing what I was remembering and it took me several years of flashbacks before I truly did. In the end, severely depressed, I ended up under a psychiatrist who offered psychotherapy and antidepressants and told me I was suffering from PSTD. I had to take periods of time off work but somehow, I don't know how, I continued to work in between - I needed to support my children because by then I was divorced. What I have remembered is horrific to me and remains almost separate to the rest of my memories but filled with explicit excruciating detail and sensory memories. It is the vividness and all encompassing power of these memories that finally convinced me that I was not mad but these things had really happened to me. These memories did not come back to me whilst in a therapy session but in my normal daily life - you know the changing of the seasons - bonfire night, opening my wardrobe and pulling out a white polo neck jumper. I moved through cycles of believing and not believing - after a flashback I could not dispute it because it was so incredibly real - like the actual moment it happened but as I processed that memory and time evolved between flashbacks it was easy to let the doubts back in because I didn't WANT it to be true. Such was my conditioning from my family and the strength of my personal coping mechanisms that I must have put in place as a child.   

We moved around a lot when I was a child -  this kept me and the rest of my family very isolated and also I supposed helped to keep any suspicions down that might have been raised.  I have since realised that I did not remember my childhood below the age of 11years -my knowledge was based on what my family told me had happened and they used to joke about my memory. I never really thought about the fact that I couldn't remember it was only when counsellors asked me questions about my childhood did I realise that I couldn't actually remember. All I have is the flashbacks so my memory to this day remains bitty and I think this is probably because there is more stuff that I haven't looked at but for how long do you look at these things? I spent 10yrs in therapy with different people trying to rebuild my life. And although there are still issues there I see that in that time I have changed beyond recognition - I made some really poor choice for partners and in the end withdrew from relationships altogether settling myself down to bring up my children; they seem to have flourished and are now successful young adults and I am really proud of them. As for me I can see the effects to this day. I have had to work really really hard at trusting men but have now built up enough confidence to have male friendships and have now starting dating again. I am 52!! I have had to work on my sexual issues because of the flashbacks that would occur when having sex - but it is doable if you're prepared to work at putting good memories in place of old ones so I can now have a healthy sex life with a trusting partner.

My family don't believe me and my father has been dead for years. I have never mourned his death but felt immensely relieved when he died even though I had no conscious memories at the time of the abuse. Although my mother initially acknowledged me when I first disclosed to her begging me not to let it spoil my life, she has classically denied it now - I think in fear of how other relatives would view her and because she can't cope with the guilt. She tells me things about me when I was a child like: the horrific nightmares I had, insisting as a two year old that I slept on her pillow and nowhere else; insisting that only she prepared my food; both my sister and I being hospitalised on two occasions because we wouldn't eat and she says I was very happy in hospital - of course I was!; being very ill for a whole year and not being able to attend school because I constantly got infections. But my mother is a very needy person who needs to be the centre of attention and is not remotely interested in her grandchildren. My older brother hasn't spoken to me in a whole year. This is because I realised that last year, 10yrs after my first disclosure to them, that they had been talking about me and believed that because I never discussed the abuse anymore that it had been 'a phase I had been going through and had now outgrown.' They seemed to have overlooked the fact that I was 51yrs when they decided that! I wrote a letter addressed to all of them reconfirming the abuse had happened and it wasn't a passing phase and why I didn't talk to them about it (as they usually got angry and mad at me if I did.) This galvanised them and my sister and my mother ranted down the phone at me on several occasions. My brothers haven't spoken to me since. They are not bad people and I still love then but they are stuck in their own defence mechanisms of denial and this will never change. I believe my mother has the key to healing our family but unfortunately she does not have the maturity or insight to do so. This is a travesty which rings down the generations as my children have lost the opportunity to have close relationships with their Aunts, Uncles etc... My father's sister has suffered from mental health issues and talks about my Dad and their Mum making her feel dirty and I think it happened to her too. She was the third sibling and so was I and we look very alike.

Despite all of the therapy over the years I still feel different. And this is perhaps not a bad thing like I used to think. I am far more sensitive than the average person - my friends all comment on how quickly I pick up on their moods and needs - they find my perception a bit scary at times - this has come from my 'training' all those years ago but is very useful now! I over analyse and will take apart any upsets for far too long before I can let them go...exhausting! And I do still find it difficult to self sooth myself when upset. But I would rather be where I am now then where my siblings live - in that horrible place of denial and forgotten happenings - because it still shows up in other ways. I can emotionally connect with people in a loving sensory tactile way - whereas my family remain frozen and distant and cut off from themselves and others. How sad is that? I have put my name as Lulu because that was the nickname I was given by my father all those years ago and it is in honour of that brave little girl that I am writing this. That and in honour of all you other survivors working to come to terms with what happened too. I hope this account helps you.

Lulu