Survivors' Story

Thank you for all your stories. They have brought me so much feedback. It is the first time I am in touch with people with my situation.

I hope mine brings light to you as well.

My story is a terrible one. After finding a good clinical psychologist I could really understand the nature of sexual abuse.

Since we are born we could experience sexual arousal, because our bodies are designed that way. But that is very different to the way adults consent a sexual experience. It is an adult decision. With full knowledge of what you are doing. 

Children cannot consent a sexual act as adults do. They are always deceived or forced, or blackmailed.

We are not responsible for what is happening to us. Even if some of us enjoy the experience, it is not really with our consent. It is never the child's fault by any means.
Because children cannot distinguish clearly between right and wrong. They could easily be deceived. If you tell a child in a tricky way, I am Batman, he/she will believe it.
If you build up a story to a child he will believe it.

My abuser not only took my body, he took my mind, my soul. He was a calculative seducer. He made me believe he was madly in love with me,  and probably he really was in his distorted mind. He said he would marry me, and I believed him. He said we would run away from this lousy world and he will take me with him, because I was his princess. I was only four and he was 18. That sounded great to me, it was the chance I was waiting for, to run away from my harsh and cruel father. At last I had found somebody that would listen to me, that wants to spend time with me, that gives me time, and besides, he was so good looking, tender and passionate. A blue prince.

I can't go into details about our relationship. Just I am going to tell you we were discovered by another uncle and an aunt, who blamed me, accused me and told me How I dared doing things that only adults do?. The abuser just sat down there saying absolutely nothing. Just quiet.  Just released himself of any responsibility.
I felt, humiliated, embarrassed and deeply betrayed. Disposed of and cheated. All at the same time.
So the dream of marriage at four was over. All lies.

From that day on, my personality broke. I felt the biggest s*** in the world. Not only because of what he did but the humiliation and reprimands experienced from my other relatives.

 I felt panic when I saw the abuser from that day on. He was my uncle. Every time we went to his house, I paralysed of fear, because now I understood he was evil and if I told my mum, she would be very disappointed, because my other relatives, made me believe I was the dirty one.

He ruined my childhood. The meaning of life was so chaotic, and I just prayed my mum and dad would not want to go to his house.

As a result of child abuse I developed asthma because, the abuser locked me up in a car and I felt claustrophobic and could not breathe, I remember very well linking my first asthma attack with severe anguish provoked by him. I also developed a submissive and insecure personality that has affected my decisions and behaviour up to my adult life.

Now I am 38, I can't have sex with my husband, I can't separate my sexual abuse, from my present sexual life. It is so persistent.

 I feel always squashed by people and I feel an incredible rage trapped inside of me, and just waiting to come to the surface at the slightest provocation.

I want to stop the experiences in my mind and just accept what happened. Especially that day when he trapped me in a car for the first time, when I first felt, that was not normal, he was pushing me mentally beyond my capacity. That moment I understood he had all rights over me, just because he was an adult. Accepting it will just make me release of the memories. Then the next step is to understand that today I can do things differently with my present life. Not with the past.

Never say to children: "You must listen and respect adults, they know better". That is not completely true.  It all depends which adult.

The most important thing, a child that receives love and is nurtured, and listened and cared for by his parents is less likely to be abused. Abusers go after children that are vulnerable in this respect. They are calculative and clever people. They know whom to look for.

You the abused one, the victim, strive for your happiness, for your peace, for your spiritual strength and growth. Let's not give the rest of our lives to the abusers. Let’s keep struggling to have ourselves back.

Love, MF