Survivors' Story

I have spent most of the day trailing through story after story of abuse and have come to the conclusion that not only do the abused need help but the family members who don't know how to deal with the reality. It's a bit like death.....we all feel dreadfully sorry for the survivors' but just don't know how to put it into words and just feel if we bury our heads in the sand they will understand.
 
I was abused by my older brother since about the age of 5 or 6 until into nearly my 30's. I was threatened with "if you tell and I go to jail, then you will be sent away as well as Mom and Dad won't want you". The power the abusers have over you is incredible and even looking back now at the age of 47 I feel ashamed and guilty that it went on so long and that through no choice of my own I was cheating on my now husband.
 
Unlike quite a few of you, I did not have the opportunity to tell my parents, as my Mom died of Cancer when I was 14 and my Dad died of Cancer when I was 16. The courts said that we could stay in the family home as my brother was 21 and considered an adult. The absolute fear of this decision was indescribable, but then I couldn't saying anything to the court or my sister and I would have had to go into care and we were pretty vulnerable having lost both parents and three other family members within two years. We were in SA and had no other family members in SA as my parents were both originally from the UK. I am still at the stage where I feel that if I love something it will die and even to this day if my husband stops snoring I check to see if he has died. Probably the only person in the UK that encourages her husband to snore!!!!! He is an absolute rock in my life and I couldn't live without him.
 
I still feel incredibly insecure and worthless. It took until three years ago with the aid of a councillor, to be able to tell my husband (of nearly 30 years). I still have not told any of my friends as I feel they will be ashamed of me and blame me for it. The guilt I feel for having taken the money to buy a couple of sweets is incredible, but then you have to remember at that young age you do not understand. I think that is why it comes back to haunt you when you get older, because you try to analyze what you did as a six year old with an adults perception of feelings.
 
It has been very therapeutic for me to read all these stories and understand that the feelings of guilt and shame are not mine alone but shared by every abused person. I am not a survivor as yet, but am hoping to become one. At night I have to drink two bottles of wine to make sure I pass out so that the nightmares can't get me.
 
I wish that every potential paedophiles out there would read some of these disturbing stories before taking action and realise that their 5 minutes of pleasure causes a lifetime of worthlessness and extreme pain for those they offend.
 

Princess