Survivors' Story

I was born in Zambia, and at the age of 3 months, I swallowed a pin (sewing pin). At the age of 6 months, my mom and dad with my 2 elder sisters and I moved to Zimbabwe, so that I could be operated on to remove the pin which lodged itself in my right lung. The consequences were I could not talk till I was almost 8 years old.
 
At the age of 7, I was caught in a bicycle shed by 4 other school kids about 4 years older than me. Forced over my bicycle, and each one took turns in sexual penetration. They had 2 cobra snakes with them, one was put right by my genitals and the other in front of my face. When they had finished, one of the abusers grabbed my genitals and squeezed so hard, and said "you do not tell anyone, you pay us everyday or else you will see the cobra snakes again". This put me in a situation that I landed up stealing money from my mom's handbag. After the abuse, I just sat there cold, shaking and lonely.
 
I was put through the humiliation because of my voice, being told "are you stupid, dumb. Why don't you talk properly?" I had 200 children laughing at me because I was stuttering. When I was caught having stolen the money, I got a belting of a lifetime, and still I did not tell my mom and dad. Then came the bullying and humiliation. I was always bullied on my way home, had my bike thrown in a river and I too was thrown over the bridge. The humiliation, I was sent out on 2 occasions in front of the class during swimming lessons wearing girls’ underwear.
 
From when I was sexually abused, I was afraid to talk about it and every time someone mentioned child abuse, I wanted to kill myself. Afraid of further abuse. I was afraid to tell the truth about previous sexual experience to my wife as well as not being able to deal with money. I blocked it away for 33 years, until May 2009 when I told my wife that I too was sexually abused. In honesty, after I had the vasectomy in February 2008, I needed to tell my wife, but did not know how to. In August 2009 I told my mom and dad that I was sexually abused, and explained about the money. Now after 33 years, I am getting the help I need from Survivors UK. I still have nightmares of snakes and I wake up screaming and crying.
 
My fear is, my kids have been through the same as what I have. My wife and I have separated, as my wife has concerns for the children, just like I do. I have even asked questions regarding my children, labelled and walking around with a big sign over my head saying child abuser. My wife Tracy who wrote her story, needs counselling. Not all men are child abusers. The sad thing is, I am paying the price of my wife's child abuse.
 

By Roberto

To read Roberto's poems click here.