Survivors' Story

I grew up in SA and I was put into foster care at the age of 3, apparently my biological father abused me.

I can't really remember exactly when the abuse in my foster family started but I know that it must have been before I was five because I remember following little boys into the cloak room at the Day Care and exposing myself to them.

My step brother forced me to perform oral sex on him by telling me that if I did not he would take me back to the welfare, I also remember the one day I tried to refuse and he made me pack a case with my clothes in it ready to take me to the welfare, he also used to tell me that if I told my Mother (Foster) she would not believe me.

It was a daily routine. Apart from ejaculation he would sometimes urinate in my mouth. Then when I was about seven years old I started drawing pictures of his genitals and pictures of him on top of me etc, I showed the drawing to friends who in turn showed them to their mother, who came to see my Mom (Foster).

My Mom (Foster) took me into the bedroom told me I was a pig for drawing the pictures and told me the story about the birds and the bees. She also took me for a medical examination where the doctor confirmed that my hymen was intact she showed me the doctor's note as well as my friend's Mom.

I hated myself and I hated my childhood even more, there wasn't a day that went by that I never prayed that death would come to me.

I remember trying to kill myself, I remember looking in the mirror and telling myself how much I hated myself.

When I was a teen I went to a friend's house and her Dad told me that my friend was in the caravan, I stood outside the caravan and called her. Next thing her Dad pushed me against the caravan and started rubbing himself on me and tried to force me into the caravan, thank goodness he was overweight and I was a fit teen I managed to get away. Obviously I never told anyone for fear of being labelled a pig.

I never received counselling or anything.

About three months ago I tried to speak to my Mom (Foster) about the abuse, when I got into the details of the abuse she told me I shouldn't brag about it.

I think what helped me survive was the ability to detach myself from the situation. I am now married with two children and the challenge I am now faced with is to stop thinking that my husband or other men will or are abusing my children. It is difficult to know what is normal when the first sixteen years of your life were anything but normal.

The fact that I wrote this shows that I too am a survivor.

By Tracy