Survivors' Story

I am still in a family where it is torn apart by my father leading a double life with a mistress for over 35 years. I am 40 now. I am the middle child.

I am the unmarried one. I am the sad one. I am the troubled one. I put away me, I didn't know there was a me, so there was no effort in doing this. I was always in a mental battlefield working out, plotting, planning, launching how to smooth things over, how to meet Dad's needs so he wouldn't be too destructive on Mum. I wouldn't question my Mum but protect her, but then I came under the influence of my Dad when they lived apart from the later 1980's, but still married in name. I moved to Dad with Mum's blessing as I was lucky enough to get a graduate training job to become a finance professional. I live in Dad's house and died inside. Every weekend when I wasn't at finance college I would drive to Mum and sit there on a Saturday night like a lioness, watching TV but making sure there was no threat to Mum. Coming to her like a river to the sea, but finding the sea was still and not receptive as slowly I became "Daddy's daughter".

There followed years of being mistrusted by Mum and my 2 siblings, questioning what were my real motives through long stares and unspoken words, or words of anger and annoyance. I carried on mediating for all, they certainly did not hesitate to think of me and trust me with their personal sensitivities, and to pass communications on with each other, but there was a collective mental block when it came to anything relating to Dad - and I was seen more and more "Daddy's Girl".

I started work in the professional corporate world and yes, I developed a respect or perhaps an admiration how much Dad had achieved for "us" his family - he is a successful medical man. Mum and Dad put 3 kids through university and my other 2 are loving, caring, able medical professionals. I am an able person too, but there is something vulnerable about me when I stare into the distance and feel empty inside.

I can honestly say I could not have given any more than I have, to help reduce any suffering my Mum or even my Dad could have had in their rotten relationship. I can honestly say I remained as fair and balanced and an advocate for the weaker (physically, economically) whilst also showing that it is ok to behave intelligently, reasonably, even kindly and lovingly to the visible oppressor as he is damaged goods.

I have given up 19 years of living for me, at least 15 years, I don't want to say 33 years. It’s better to say I was young, naive, believing and caring of my parents that I would have done anything for them from 7 years to 21.

But since then, I should have used my learning and understanding to walk away and know me. My siblings did which forced me to shoulder all responsibility for my parent's without their presence, or their support for me, or my parents. It felt very lonely with the highly demanding mediating and pressured emotional demands put onto me and yes they did whatever denial they all may say.

A secret - ?between I do not know when it started? and 14 I was sexually molested by my Mum's brother-in-law - a man my father hated anyway. I think as a young child I developed a belief that my Dad knew good one's from bad one's as why would he hate his brother-in-law so much that he would argue and hit Mum, and Mum so stupid to not know that her own daughter was being violated very wrongly. So my hero worship of my Dad started then. Though neither parent knew of this abuse and never will - I know who will be blamed for that ....Mum of course. I sorted it out, or it stopped, or I sorted it out that it stopped.

I did not know what a romantic emotional life for myself meant, I did not think I was worth it. I thought my place in life was, well, nothing. Though you would think I am quite alright if you read that I am solvent, in my own place paying the bank manager money for my home, have a little car, have a little garden. Then this year a flood gate of emotions and distress has happened. I am working through the pain, the mourning of the sickness that my parent's bad marriage has caused in my life. I don't want to blame, or hurt anyone, however I need to face this, so that I can overcome the physical and emotional tides of pain, sudden distress, palpitations, moroseness, feeling sick, feeling dead.

I used to "poo-poo" the idea that unresolved feelings will show themselves, I used to think there is nothing that can overcome the mind. Now I realise that we are wired up and sometimes one sense can overcome for a long while, but not always and forever can the brain rule or the heart rule.

My personal battle is to find the balance and then to be amongst individuals a changed person, being fair, kind, honest and open, and moving away from being somebody else's property to manipulate and use.

I spoke with NAPAC today. NAPAC understood, did not think this was "small" or "useless" or "pointless" stuff. I have been heard today. I am on this road now.

I am lucky today, for me.

Anon.