Progress

With sixteen years of recovery behind me, time has afforded me a degree of perspective on progress. Back in those early days, I was in shock from the trauma, and punch-drunk from fighting the great tide of collapse that engulfed my life - like slow creeping lava. Progress back then was measured in very tiny steps, and day-by-day achievements. Even my thoughts were slower, sluggish.

Since sobriety in 2000, my progress has at times been breathtaking and empowering. The exhilaration of living, and noticing the good in your life increasing. Over time, my understanding of ‘recovery’ matured; progress and recovery is seasonal. Each spurt of progress, each achievement, traced back to the completion or resolution of some period of internal growth or external challenge. The pay-offs were sometimes great, sometimes small, but all of them a step forward. Fast enough now, to feel the breeze of life on my cheeks.

Which is probably why I’m writing this month’s articles from the middle of some unpleasant extra homework in the detention class of Life School. Slow lesson this one. In the same way, childbirth always hurts. Revisiting past traumas with their mental images and memories, stings today, much as it did back then.

My ‘homework’ is to deal with the realisation that I am a ‘shame-based’ person and that I disgust myself. That realisation, in itself is shaming, which gives you an insight into the ‘world of what I do well.’

The job of processing such painful revelations causes an enormous bow-wave of correction to sweep back through my life history. Sometimes, it creates a new opportunity to treat my inner child with more compassion, or understand why I did what I did. Mostly however, there is just the cold hard understanding of exactly what all of this has actually cost me. Inevitably, the constant yearning, for what might have been, becomes a fearful strong ache in the soul. I remind myself at this point, that this is probably just my anger at the loss, once again turned inwards.

I have to admit, I’ve been having a few problems lately, seeing the benefit of this painful process, toiling with my feet in the emotional muck and mud. Universal Lessons do drag on a bit. (Can I get the notes off you later?) The word that keeps coming up is progress – or the lack of it, when I need it – which is now.

Let’s examine the progress we’ve made and look for the lesson shall we Chris?.

Only five years ago I believedmyself to be a fundamentally flawed and damaged person, beyond the possibility of repair. Life was all about hiding my dreadful flaws. Today, I understand I am a shame-based person, and life is all about the process of de-shaming.

I have gone from ‘Hopelessness to Solution’, the pain in the process can’t be avoided. Disgust is the right word for the ill-defined wrong feelings that well up from deep inside me. If I can name it, I can change it - and for me, that’s, real progress. So, my universal lesson for today good friends, can be summed up in my good-bye line. If I ever forget it, feel free to remind me.

I remain as always, making progress every day in different ways.

Warm Regards
Chris Davies.