“Our Little Secret” by Jane Andrews

A girl dreams of being told one day ”I love you…..” to be held and treasured but most of my life it has been dominated by these three small words “Our Little Secret” sadly words which still bring a chill through my heart.

“Taboo” is a word that invokes many dark and forbidden thoughts is still perceived in society as an illicit subject. If you examine the meaning in the old school dictionary I still use is “not to be touched or done or used.”

Child abuse is still a “Taboo” subject so the meaning speaks for it’s self.

You are perhaps asking yourself we know that, so what am I trying to say? Simply the fact that sexual abuse within and outside of families is still going on and will carry on doing so until people like myself speak about it from the heart and hope that in some small way it will help others.

The words that haunt me then and now is that my abuser never let me forget “No one will believe you” along with “You will split the family up, bad girls are sent away.”

A child gets their confidence and self esteem from the love, affection and value placed on them by the trusted adults around them. If this trust and love is abused and warped then so the child’s view of themselves is twisted and warped .A sexually abused child feels she must take this abusive and twisted love and so the pattern is set for later life and relationships.

The overwhelming tragedy of this whole situation is that I am now in prison and it’s not sympathy I long for, its understanding and being believed about so much. These are the crucial elements for an abuse survivor.

Going from a self loathing, terrified 7 year old girl hiding in any place I could to a self repugnance 33 year old hiding in my wardrobe terrified at the consequence of telling her abusive partner of what happened all those years ago. Being found hiding like a child once again took me back to memories I thought I could somehow cope with. What happened next after being found and being dragged out by my hair is too harrowing and painful to put in writing………..

I felt as lonely and scared then as I had done all those years earlier and why couldn’t I leave this controlling, manipulative person for most of the reasons I had endured 26 years earlier.

I have now tried to come to terms with the rational mindset of the perpetrators in these situations as they “never” do admit their guilt because in their eyes they do not feel they are doing anything wrong other than showing their love. Why would they admit their guilt when it would ultimately ruin their lives if they bared their soul and they couldn’t do that?

This is something we try to accept for us to move on – simple it is not………

I made the first attempt on my life when I was 15 years old, then 3 more attempts over the years. These were not cries for help or half hearted attempts these were very real. I’d had enough of the physical and mental abuse that took away my childhood. No child should have ever endure this or adult for that matter.

What goes on behind closed doors no one ever knows and we keep “our little secrets” buried so deep down that we even convince not only others when we lie to protect our perpetrators.

I am now a prisoner in the land of the free; the hurt is so deep that I hang on to the humanity I receive from a few. The lack of privacy has been so total, so devastating ….and so I now begin to take the first faltering steps on a very long road ahead and just hope I can somehow help just a few.

Jane D .E. Andrews

1st November 2004