Survivors' Story

Reading your stories brought a lump to my thought, I was sexually abused by my father from I didn’t no what age, as I don’t have a memories that didn’t involve this abuse. I put my dad on a pedestal like most daughters I suppose, but it was not just me who went through it, so did my brother he was treated like a leper, and as we where all afraid of my dad we joined in. I watched my dad pick my brother up and raise him of the floor and up the wall, my mother did nothing I couldn’t understand why, or how she could watch this and do nothing. Everything my brother did was wrong, my dad would give him lines to do, and we would all help him even my mum, just so he could finish them before my dad came home, But my dad found out we helped and just gave him more, in fact he spent most of the summer holidays doing lines.

My dad controlled all our lives, there where times when I could hear my brother crying where my dad was spanking him for something or nothing, and I wished my dad would come to me, just so he would leave my brother alone.

My abuse continued, I promised myself I would not tell my mother unless she asked me, then one day she did, and I told her all of it I don’t think she believed me. My dad was sentenced to a year as he pleaded guilty, and I felt guilty, I just wanted the abuse to stop.

This news led my mum to have a bit of a breakdown, I then had to look after my two brothers and sister and my mum, My Feeling and Emotions came second, I had no respect for myself and slept around looking for what I thought was love, the only love I knew was a sexual nature.

Mum couldn’t handle me or the situation I left home and she moved away without telling me where she was, it was like the dreams I use to have of coming home and they had moved, except this was real.

I found out where they moved to, and things where a little better, I helped my mum who got involved with a nasty bit of work. She was on her own again, then I hear my dad is coming out of prison and moving back to our town in fact just 10 minutes away. Words cannot describe how I felt, the man who dominated me abused me is coming back.

Friends of my parents had a coming out party for my dad, I felt sick to my stomach. I turned up pissed my dad came up to me and said "I just spent a year inside for you", I did stand up to him and said and "I’m spending the rest of my life with this, I wish I could go somewhere anywhere and forget what happened, but I cant I have to live with it".

Then the worst news my mum and dad stood in front of me and said how would I feel if me and your mother got back together, I did not no what to say, all I kept thinking so all I went through meant nothing.

He won the whole family back, we argued and I wanted answers as to why he did what he did, of course he did not have one. He told my brothers your sister is a slut, and they where not allowed to speak to me, which they did through fear of him, which I understand.

Then one night in the town club I was with my mates, drinking and dancing, when all of a sudden to men came up to me, I cried so hard it was my brothers, all grown up, who I missed so much, I wrapped my arms round them so tight I did not want to let them go, they promised me they would never ignore me again, and that they where so sorry for everything, but I said its not your fault.

I wanted to see my mum, I blamed her for not stopping the abuse, but I still love her, my brothers told me that mum would like to see me to, but that meant seeing my dad again, and I would do this if it meant I could see her. I was stronger than I thought, it took allot of courage to go back and face him, but I think he was more afraid of me. 

Things where different between me and mum, I don’t no if she saw me as a threat,  my brothers where told I was a slag, god nose what my mum told, and frankly I don’t care me and him no the truth.

Needless to say I had a string of crappy boyfriends had four children who I love to bits, I will rephrase that I had four children, but my second child I had no bond with, his father was a nightmare. I felt like this baby was not mine, I couldn’t cuddle him, I would never hurt him, I could give him anything but love, and this was sad for him and me. Well his dad kept saying how much he loved him, even though we had split up, I decided to let my son go with his dad maybe he would be better of there. But this did not work out, my mum and dad had my son and asked if I would sign the adoption papers so they could take care of him, I felt under pressure and I no that my dad would not have given him back to me, so I signed the papers.

Well yet again I was on my own, went out with my friends to singles night and there I met the most wonderful person in my life, the funny thing is I was not looking for anyone. Dare I say it, he was tall dark and handsome, I kept thinking there must be something wrong with him, I only get assholes, but he was and still is wonderful. He asked me to marry him, this was the one person, my dad did not want me to tell him what had happened in my life. All the other boyfriends I’ve had he’s always said if you don’t them I will, he said he did not want my boyfriend to hear it from someone else, that’s a crock of shit. My boyfriend and I went on holiday and I knew I had to tell him, I couldn’t marry him without him not knowing my past I had to trust him, I was shitting myself, then on the last evening of the holiday I told him, he was very shocked but he said he loved me he didn’t care about the past.

I put up with years of crap so I could still stay in my sons life, my parents gave him everything and my dad moulded him the way he wanted us to be, compliant, listening to everything my dad says never putting a foot wrong.
 
One of the highlights of my life was watching my son win a gymnastics competition, as I was a gymnast myself except he had all the encouragement needed to succeed, and he did, it was amazing to watch him, and he was my son, I cried with mixed emotions that could have been me if I had that encouragement, but so proud my son won.

I wanted my children to have the grandparents I never had, but I kept a close eye on my kids when I took them to my parents, and so the other children could still keep in contact with there brother.

I’m a granny twice over now and I love it, except I have one grandchild from the son my parents raised, that I hardly ever see, this is because I do not wish to go to my parents house anymore and play happy families I love my mum with all my heart, but dad takes over with my grandchild and I cant watch it, this is the price I pay for giving my son up.

Patricia