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The National Association for
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Survivors' StoryMy own wordsMy abuse story, I’ve discovered is different from many other people. I was raped by a paedophile when I was seven years old. The perpetrator was never caught, so I will never have closure. I’ve since come to learn that my father raped my older sister, in the exact same way I was raped. Coincidence? I will never know, but I’ve got my suspicions. Upon investigating my rape, I learnt that my mother never knew of my ‘visits’ to the hospital that my father took me to. Why did my father take me to be physically examined in hospitals? Why didn’t my mother take me? I’ve since asked my father these questions. His answer was that my mother was busy. What father would want to see his young daughter being examined, especially as she was recovering from rape? I also asked my father about raping my sister. By his response, I knew he was lying. He sat in a chair, looking nervous, hands clasped together. I’d have expected him to be upset, cry, be outraged and say he was innocent, but he did neither. Since questioning him, I’ve become the ‘black sheep’ of the family, and cast out, as has my sister. I guess the truth hurts, and he would rather protect his relationship with his other children, than confront his own demons. It has taken many years to have the courage to challenge my childhood. Becoming a mother opened a ‘huge can of worms’ for want of a better phrase. I’ve read that survivors of child abuse could go on to abuse their own children. I was deeply offended by that. How could any mother abuse her own child/children? Especially knowing the pain of her own abuse? I am determined to protect my child, and feel fiercely protective. How dare so-called professionals judge survivors of child abuse? Why would they automatically assume you would go on to abuse your own children? Any normal mother would do anything in her power to protect her child. The question I keep asking is why didn’t my mother protect me? I have attempted asking my mother that question. I gave up long ago, as she was more concerned with herself and her own emotions. Most ‘normal’ mothers would do anything in their power to protect their children. I know that my relationship with my father is beyond repair. I pity the man, and he has to live with the consequences of his actions. I will never know who raped me, but I have a feeling that my father has something to do with it. I can never prove that, but an innocent man wouldn’t have reacted such as he did. I survived the rape, but emotionally I am a mess. I’ve not been able to sustain relationships, dabbled in soft drugs, and find it extremely difficult to trust people. I’ve realised that in order to heal, we must confront our past. That will be the most painful experience I can undertake. I have to do it in order to move forward, and stop repeating negative patterns. I would say to anyone who has been abused as a child not to say silent. It is NOT your fault. Take the power away from the abuser, and re-invent yourself. You will never be able to forget the past, but you can learn from it and move on. I am planning to go for counselling. I’ve attempted it once, but it didn’t work for me. I was sat in a room, with a woman who just looked at me in silence, waiting for me to talk. It put me off, and I didn’t feel comfortable with her. I guess it has to feel right for you as an individual, else you won’t feel comfortable divulging such personal information. Time they say is a great healer, and I have to be patient, which isn’t one of my greatest virtues!! I know one thing for sure though. I am determined to change my life, and will always be eternally grateful to NAPAC. I’m not expecting my life to change instantly. I’m realistic that it will take time, but I have determination on my side and the need to change. To everyone who reads this please know that there is help out there. Use NAPAC and support them, so they in turn can support all the other survivors who so desperately need them. Don’t let anyone call you a ‘victim’. You are a SURVIVOR!!!
By a Survivor |