Survivors' Story

I was sexually abused by my father, I know that now as an adult. When I was very little I was a Daddies girl and I wanted to go everywhere with him. I would sit on his knee to eat my meals, I felt like his angel. He didn't show love and affection but somehow I knew he loved me.

When I was about six years old I went out with my father I can't remember where we were going but I do remember it was a long walk. My father asked me to put my hand in his pocket which I did, I didn't know what I felt or what I was doing but I wasn't frightened after all he was my Dad.
Things carried on me wanting to be with him until one summer’s day when I was 7 years old we went for a walk just the two of us, we went into a field there were chickens in the field and a few coops. I loved chickens so I was quite happy to be there. There my father laid me on something it wasn't the floor, maybe a bench I don't know. He got on top of me and pushed something into me it was so painful, (I know now that it was his penis), I don't remember what happened next I only recall him getting up and saying I shouldn't have done that.

I can't remember the walk home, I do remember going to the toilet and I was bleeding, I called for my Mum who came into the bathroom, she cleaned me up in silence and put me to bed. I was really confused, what happened? Why did Daddy hurt me? Why didn't Mummy talk to me?
After that day I never went out with my father alone again, I felt something was wrong but I didn't know what.

Then when we moved to another house my father kept coming into my room in the night, he would touch me and make me touch him, I didn't like it, I would cry he never stopped.

Whenever I was in a room on my own he would come in with his penis out and beg me to touch it. I didn't want to but he was my Dad I had to do as I was told. I hated it I wish he would stop. One afternoon when we were in the kitchen cooking sausages he tried to force his penis in my mouth, he wanted me to suck it. I kept my mouth firmly shut, Mum was in the living room why didn't she come in? She was always in the house why didn't she make it stop.

When I was 10 years old I decided to runaway, I didn't want to live like this anymore, Dad said he loved me then why did he make me do things I didn't like?

I had 2 younger sisters and a younger brother, I felt that I needed to protect my sisters so I talked them into coming with me. We were going to go to my maternal grandparent’s house, I just wanted to get away from him I didn't even consider that my Grandparents would send us back.
It was a long walk and on the way someone who knew us drove past, obviously she went to get my mum and she took us home. I never told my Mum why we ran away, I do believe now that she knew what was going on, so myself, my siblings and Mum left my Dad and went to stay in a refuge.

We were only there for a few weeks when we were given another house. It was lovely I could go into a room alone and not worry, I felt free.

After a few weeks my father found out our phone number and rang my Mum, he wanted to see us all. Mum agreed and we met up with him, I was very worried but when I saw him he seemed different somehow, he wasn't drinking (he was an alcoholic which I didn't know when I was small). It was a pleasant surprise, had I got my Dad back?

Mum sat myself and the next eldest sister down and said that she wanted to give Dad a second chance and how did we feel about it, I felt that maybe things would be ok Mum wanted him back and so did my sister, things were going to be ok now so I agreed.

BLOODY FOOL!! That’s what I am within a couple of months he started coming into my room with 'it' out, this time I refused to touch it I didn't want to, he offered me money to touch it NO WAY!!
I started my periods whilst I was still ten years old, they didn't stop I was bleeding non stop, Mum took me to the doctors who put me on the pill to try and make my periods regular. As soon as he knew he started begging me for sex because I couldn't get pregnant, (I didn't realise that the pill was to prevent pregnancy). I refused and he kept pestering coming in my room or where ever I was with 'it' hanging out and begging me. He told me that ALL fathers/daughters, son/mothers, sisters/brothers, aunts/nephews, uncles/nieces all had sex it’s what happens. He told me that again and again. I believed him but I still didn't want to.

This kept on until one day when I was 13 years old he patted my bottom as I walked past him, I just got so angry and picked up my brothers snooker cue and I hit my Dad as hard as I could across his back. I ran upstairs and started to pack my bags. He came up after me and said that I could leave when I was 16. I told him that I am going to tell Mum, he said she won't believe you, of course I believed him. But a few days later he wouldn't let me go and see my boyfriend, so I shouted at him that the only reason why was because he thought I was letting my boyfriend have what he wanted. Mum heard me and asked me what I meant, I told her that Dad wants to have sex with me, she cried and left the room.

Two days later Dad started talking about sex again and I told him that I have told mum, he didn't believe me because she hadn't said anything, she did two days later she said 'stop it'.

Ok he stopped exposing himself and asking for sex, instead he would tell me things like to keep a man you need to satisfy him, he would go if you didn't, and when you get a man and he doesn’t satisfy you, you know where I am. He would call me beautiful, and talk about sex.

I left home at 17, and as the years have gone on I have suffered in silence. I was in pain, I felt betrayed not just by Dad but by Mum. When I left home he started on my sisters who both told Mum. What did she do? Nothing!!

This year I found out that he had abused my niece, my sister and brother are standing by my Dad, can you believe that?

I have been to the police, I am having counselling. My dad has attempted suicide because he can't stand the shame, at the moment he is in hospital due to liver problems because of the attempt on his life, my only hope is that he is well enough to be arrested next week.

I always thought I did something it was my fault, I made him do those things, but I didn't I was in no way to blame.

I AM A SUVIVOR!!

By a Survivor